What to Expect When Others are Expecting…About You

Expectations both motivate and destroy. This fall when my grandchildren welcomed their new puppy, expectations ran high. The kids prepared by watching videos on puppy training, taking notes about how to start right concerning sleep and eating and visiting the outdoor bathroom. Everyone expected to work hard, to watch for errant nibbling on socks and walls, to clean up messes, and to share lots of snuggling, licks, and energy-expending times. New puppy expectations were both practical and inspiring.

Expectations run high when churches choose a new pastor. Unfortunately, these expectations can be impractical and discouraging, even unhealthy. In their YouVersion devotional “Pastors are People Too,” Jimmy Dodd and Larry Magnussen list some expectations that discourage pastors. Examples are that pastors should be:

·      both always available and spending forty hours a week on each sermon

·      caring and friendly to everyone while always preaching with amazing passion and inspiration

·      forwarding outreach and evangelism while personally knowing all the children in the church. 

And this is just the beginning. Dodd and Magnussen conclude: “Spoken or unspoken, unreasonable expectations leave a pastor feeling grossly inadequate and become a barrier to effective ministry.” 

Unreasonable expectations extend to the pastor’s family as well, in spite of the fact these family members have no call to vocational ministry. Because pastor’s spouses are real people, their houses are not perpetually “company-ready,” their children have good and bad days, their clothing choices are uneven, their jobs may be neither admirable nor lucrative, and they might not like to speak in public, sing, or play an instrument. 

As a pastor’s wife for forty years, I know that the unrealistic expectations hurt. One parishioner yelled at me because I shielded my husband (at his request) from her Saturday night complaint call. Another did not understand why I could not babysit (for free) for her three children once a week. A third blamed me for an elder board decision that went against her wishes. 

Spouses can become the scapegoat for congregants’ unmet expectations. While lamentable, much more serious is when the pastor’s spouse comes to believe the unrealistic expectations and so finds him/herself wanting. Congregations do not hire the pastor’s spouse—nor his children for that matter. For the pastoral family, the standards for life and service are the same as those of every other redeemed sinner in the congregation. 

Not all expectations are bad. Positive ones become realistic goals to strive for, benchmarks to meet. God has a lot of expectations for His beloved children. He expects us to love Him and serve His purposes. He expects us to tell Him our needs and thank Him for His provision. He expects us to grow daily more like His Son, putting off old selves and putting on new ones. As well, we believers have expectations about our God: that He will act wisely and purely, that He will be true to Himself and to His purposes in the world. We expect Him to be kind and just, strong and compassionate.

So how should Christian leaders view expectations? We can acknowledge realistic expectations and use them use to guide our actions. And we can ignore unrealistic expectations and silence their accusations. The question is one of focus. Whom do we serve? Whose expectations matter? When expectations swirl around us, we need to ask: Are these standards really God’s? If they are not, they are meaningless.

We can’t escape unrealistic expectations, but we can refuse to submit to them. In the face of unrealistic expectations, the pastor and pastoral family can follow these three “rules”: 

1.     Remember God is the audience: we must act as He directs.

2.     Recognize the power of “no”:  Disappointing unrealistic “expect-ers” is good for them; God wants them to abandon wrong desires and judgmental attitudes.

3.     Repent of your unjust anger: Don’t let expectations be an excuse for your own resentment. We are called to forgive, to hope, and to trust God to defend our prayer and Word-guided choices.

At least for me—and I hope for you—the goal is to only follow healthy, God-given expectations.