Rescuing Pastor Jon from Unfair Criticism
Hey Jon,
Just got your text and then read your email. Wow! It was painful to read. People can be so cutthroat about a pastor’s sermon, and all the while think they are doing God and their pastor a huge favor. No wonder you’re so discouraged. So many of the comments are belittling, unnecessary, and unkind. Paul exhorts us to speak “words that give grace to those who hear” (see Ephesians 4:29). But this email sucks all the grace out of the room.
I hope my words can breathe some grace back in. I’ve found that the first few hours of processing criticism like this will set the direction of your heart and actions. The cement is still wet, so to speak, and you don’t want the cement to harden in the wrong way. So let me share four choices in these first hours that can re-orient you and get you on a gospel track as you respond to this email—and others like it.
The first choice is this: put on hold any sort of substantive reply for at least 48 hours. Yup. 48 hours. Two days. In a situation like this, we pastors can easily jump to self-defense and rebuttal, passive aggression or outright revenge. If you’re not careful, you can wind up writing an email that makes the congregant feel just as horrible as you do. Wasn’t it Jesus who said, “bless those who curse you?”
Be wary of your impulses in the moment. Don’t answer an email like this out of reaction. Slow down. Take time. If you want, you can send an email letting the person know that you received their comments. But make it short, something like:
“I received your email about today’s sermon. I’ll get back to you at some point with a reply.”
Doing this buys you time. It takes the pressure off. But send an email like this only if you want to answer the criticism. Sometimes it might be best to let the criticism go unanswered, to be silent like Jesus before Pilate. More on that later.
Second choice: as soon as possible, take 15 minutes to sift through your reactions. What’s going on in your head? What are you feeling? Stop and listen to your heart. To quote John Calvin, “descend down” into your soul and find out what’s there. And then get it on a piece of paper or into your journal app. Name what you’re feeling. It could include things like:
Shame
Anger
Sadness
Scorn
Revenge
Disappointment
Hatred
Confusion
Sounds like a list of topics from the Book of Psalms, doesn’t it! How many psalms are there in which the author recounts these kinds of reactions and emotions, especially in relation to cruel words spoken against him. The Scripture is great at naming these kinds of things. And for what it’s worth, modern science tells us that when we assign a name to a feeling or reaction, our brain begins to settle down.
This sort of soul listening opens the way for the next choice: own the situation so that you can decide in your heart what you are going to do. Don’t waste time wishing that the email had never been sent! Don’t ask, “Why did I ever open my inbox after such a great Sunday morning?” There’s no point in wishing things were otherwise. They are what they are, and wishing otherwise breeds self-pity, and as I know only too well, self-pity is a dead-end street. After all, you can “handle all things through Christ who gives you strength” (Philippians 4:13). So own the situation. Tell yourself it happened in God’s good providence, and that it’s now up to you to do something about it with his help.
So what you are going to do about it? Get even? Get revenge? Quit the ministry? Doubt your calling? I totally get these sorts of reactions. I’ve been there many times. But they are distractions and procrastinations, of little value in the middle of a trial like this. So put them aside and resolve to do the one thing that we should do in every situation, and that is to glorify God. Decide that with his power you will seek his glory, that you will follow Christ and his Word, and that this situation can become an opportunity to show the wisdom and grace of God to the congregant and to anyone else looking on.
Well, the last choice speaks for itself: Connect with a wise counselor. I know you’ve done this already by contacting me, but I just don’t know your church adequately to offer true insight. Ideally, reach out to someone who knows you and knows your church, someone you trust, someone who can make wise judgments, someone who will come alongside you and speak the truth in love. Share the email with that person in confidence, and first of all pray together. Then, between the two of you, discuss these questions:
Does this criticism warrant a response? Or should I just ignore it?
What is valid about the content of the criticism? What is not?
How about the tone of the email? Does it “give grace to those who hear?” If not, why not? What lines are belittling, unnecessary, unkind? What should I do about them?
How should I answer the email? When?
What can I learn from all this?
Jon, I am confident that, with God’s help and the input of a wise counselor, you can handle this situation. You are not junk. This email is not the final word about you or your preaching. Rather, you are beloved and chosen by God himself (1 Thessalonians 1:4). So take hope. Take courage. Take faith. Go for it. With confident faith in Christ move through the four choices, and let’s see what he will do.
