Building God-Honoring Relationships Between Pastors and Elders: A Second Look
At LGM, we often hear stories of strife occurring between pastors and members of their elder board. To help improve elder-pastor communication, we thought we would share an elder’s point-of-view. Drawing on 24 years as a church elder in three different churches, LGM Board member Bill Gore joins LGM Mentor Karen Ristuccia to offer advice for strengthening pastor-elder relationships. This blog is the second of two on how to reconcile conflict and progress toward solid teamwork.
As noted in our first blog, relationships between pastors and elders are not always easy. Because of different perspectives and expectations, inevitable miscommunications, and divergent agendas, personal conflict occurs.
Earlier we talked about how to facilitate a meeting with a fellow elder or pastor to resolve immediate personal conflicts. While such a meeting will diffuse immediate disagreements, working through underlying differences takes additional planning and discussion.
The two problems we address here are:
1) different expectations
2) the need to feel understood
Getting Beyond Unwillingness to Work Through Differing Expectations:
If we are honest, as leaders, we may feel justified in our different expectations, and so we are unwilling to reexamine our expectations in light of opposing positions. Since good communication means understanding the viewpoints of others, Christian leaders should approach differing expectations with both a desire to learn, and a willingness to be vulnerable.
Below are several steps to guide church leaders when they are meeting to discuss different expectations and to move toward leadership collegiality.
Begin with the Scriptures. Together meditate on and pray through Ephesians 4:1-6 (. . . walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call—one Lord, one faith, one baptism . . . one God and Father of all . . .).
Pray Together for God’s Guidance. See 1 Corinthians 2:15-16 (The spiritual person judges all things, but is himself to be judged by no one. “For who has understood the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him?” But we have the mind of Christ.)
Set the Example. When you talk, be the first to seek a deeper understanding of the other person’s point of view. (Ask questions that bring to the surface values, concerns, and priorities, carefully restating the other’s viewpoint before you question or evaluate it.)
Acknowledge Points of Commonality. Build from there. Attack the problems and not each other.
Thank God for involving you both in His work in this area.
This Other Person Doesn’t Get Me – So How Can We Bridge that Gap?
Sometimes a deeper misunderstanding lies behind our conflicts. We approach issues in different ways. Our personalities, working geniuses, purposes, and goals differ. Learning who your fellow church leader is, his/her values, interests, and passions will help you to communicate better both one-on-one and in the larger group.
On your own, each of you should meditate on and pray through two Scriptures, both 1 Corinthians 12:4-7, 18 (“Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone. To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good. But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose.”) and the Philippians 2 passage we alluded to earlier.
Spend time thinking through how God is using this other person in the body of Christ. Be specific in your reflections. Write five ways you see more about God, His word and His will through this person’s words and actions.
Make plans to connect for a relationship-building time. Plan to do something non-business-related that you both find enjoyable (such as a bike ride, a trip to a used bookstore, a baseball game, a hike, a game of tennis or pickleball). Talk to one another (using one or more value-based questions such as “What do you like most about serving in the church?” or “During the last year, how have you seen one or more of your spiritual gifts used?”
Give God thanks for placing you both in His body. Do this together at the end of your relationship-building time and add this gratitude example to your personal prayer time as well.
Commitment to restoring and growing our relationships is a wise and godly habit. Taking time to not only address immediate conflicts, but also to clarify expectations and strengthen understandings, builds the foundation for good leadership and, as Proverbs describes it, a friendship characterized by “iron sharpening iron” (Proverbs 27:17). Wouldn’t it honor God and set a Christ-like example for our churches if our pastors and our elder boards together reflected that type of friendship?