Strengthening Relationships at the Leadership Level
At LGM, we often hear stories of strife occurring between pastors and members of their elder board. To help improve elder-pastor communication, we thought we would share an elder’s point-of-view. Drawing on 24 years as a church elder in three different churches, LGM Board member Bill Gore joins LGM Mentor Karen Ristuccia to offer advice for strengthening pastor-elder relationships.This blog is the first of two on how to reconcile conflict and progress toward solid teamwork.
Pastors and elders are church shepherds. God desires for His body to flourish, and elders and pastors lead the way. Interacting in these roles well demands effort, time, and a willing spirit. Our congregations will mirror what’s happening among their leaders, so we have an incentive to provide the best examples we can!
Relationships between pastors and elders are not always easy. Even though Jesus tells us we must love one another, living out this command is often beset with issues, issues that threaten to derail what He intends for a huge blessing to His church. Here are a few typical challenges to harmonious co-laboring:
Personal conflicts: differences in style, experience, and theology.
Competing expectations, especially when coupled with a reluctance to work through these differences.
Disconnection: each side feeling or thinking “this person/group doesn’t get me.”
While there is no one-size-fits-all answer, here you will find simple, biblical, systematic (and hopefully practical) approaches to defusing such real challenges. Even though they are simple, these approaches demand careful execution and prayer. For that reason, in this post, we focus on the process of preparing for Christ-honoring leadership communication.
Preparing to Talk: How to Ready Yourself for Reconciliation and Progress
Four practical steps set the stage for a successful reconciliation meeting:
Step 1: Face Reality
The first step to a fruitful communication is to “get real”. Each of those involved in the conflict should begin, first of all, by honestly auditing their current situation. So, on a scale of 1 to 10, evaluate each person involved—personally and professionally—in relation to these five areas: ministry, communication, vision, integrity, relational cohesion. To organize your thoughts, a chart may help:
Once you have completed this audit, compare your results with others in your group (elders with elders, pastors with pastors). Take time to discuss areas where you believe the Holy Spirit is prompting you to improve relationships, and resolve to “take action”/remediate the situation.
Keep in mind your motivation – your congregation’s needs – so that you embrace the hard work of reconciliation and re-commitment to one another. One of the most powerful benefits you will experience is more mutual peace, one of the fruits of the Spirit (see Galatians 5:22-23). But even beyond that, your congregations will be blessed.
Step Two: Do Personal Heart-Work
Meditate on and pray through Proverbs 10:12 (“Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses”) and Philippians 2:3-5 (“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus…”). Recognize that you have a spiritual responsibility to promote peace and to imitate Christ.
Step Three: Begin Communication Wisely
Decide how you should contact the person with whom there is tension. Is an individual or a group meeting needed? How should it occur? (For example, decide whether your meeting should take place face-to-face or via text, phone call, Zoom. Your decision should reflect the situation, the people involved, the depth and complexity of the conflict, and the time needed to address it.)
Step Four: Be Strategic
Put together a list of points you want to talk through with the other person(s), and then run that list by a third party whom you trust. (It is always wise to have a godly and mature third party review our words and emails.)
You may wonder, “Is this worth the effort?” Bill encourages you with an example from his life below:
In one church where I served as an elder, we discussed overhauling our VBS scope and sequence, creating a program that was bigger and grander than we had ever attempted. Not only did we leaders represent every viewpoint, but also we exchanged sharp words. I soon recognized that I needed to reach out to our pastor. The two of us agreed to meet and to resolve our issues. Our talk went well. Not only did we reconcile, but also our relationship grew stronger and the VBS exceeded everyone’s expectations.
Next Time
Are you eager for more details about elder-pastor communication and teamwork? In our next blog, we will discuss how to handle an actual reconciliation meeting and its aftermath.